Communication is the act of giving or receiving understanding. It is a critical skill in every part of our lives. To fully communicate, the person receiving must understand what is being communicated and let the communicator know they have been understood. Listening is at the heart of understanding and communicating. Even so, we spend very little time learning about or being trained in listening. Training in listening teaches the trainee how to pay attention, interpret the story being told, and how language and body language impact the story. These are skills that can be learned. Because of a lack of training, most of what we hear is filtered through our frame of reference because we don’t have the skills to listen from the speaker’s frame of reference.
When we listen from our frame of reference, we practice selective listening. Selective listening generates one of four classes of response. Based on our baggage, we evaluate communication by agreeing or disagreeing. We probe, asking questions based on our point of view. We advise providing counsel based on our experience. Finally, we interpret ascribing motivation based on our motives and behaviors. Our scripting makes it difficult to hear what is being said and to understand the emotions and feelings in what is said. Both are required for communication. The alternative is to put ourselves behind the eyes of the speaker, seeking to hear from their frame of reference–empathy.
When we fail to listen and understand, we tend to act first, then have to take the time to pick up the pieces afterwards. For example, would you trust a doctor who prescribed before taking time to diagnose the problem? No, the expectation would be that the doctor listens and communicates with the patient (assuming that is possible) before prescribing.
In this habit, Covey identifies four stages of listening:
- Mimicking – This is the classic pattern of feeding back. In my estimation, this form of listening confuses hearing with understanding.
- Rephrase the content –The listener paraphrases what is heard. This is typically what is referred to as active listening. It helps develop a bridge between the listener and the speaker.
- Reflect feeling – Reflect on the feelings behind the communication. The focus on feeling makes the listener put themselves in the speaker’s shoes. This stage is a change in the listener’s frame of reference.
- Empathic listening – This stage of listening is powerful. The listener plays back both the content by rephrasing while acknowledging the speaker’s feelings. The focus is on understanding the whole communication package (content and feeling), which allows the listener to build powerful rapport.
Empathic listening requires listening as if you were behind the eyes of the speaker. In many cases, we do not practice empathic listening. We are listening just enough that we can craft a response. How many meetings or teleconferences have you participated in and been guilty of listening with the intent to reply rather than to hear the other participants’ points of view?
Professionals working in a corporate environment spend much time in meetings, presentations, and teleconferences. Many words and slides are shared with the assumption that communication is occurring. Even if you are not a denizen of conference rooms, you still rely on communication. Developing the ability to listen empathically puts you in the speaker’s frame of reference, resulting in a deeper understanding.
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Previous Installments:
Week 1: Introduction and Be Proactive
Week 2: Begin With The End In Mind
Week 3: Put First Things First
Week 4: Think Win/Win
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