This is the second to the last chapter of How To Be A Stoic by Massimo Pigliucci. The question of which book we should re-read next naturally comes to mind at this point. Please let me know your suggestions.
In Chapter 13, Love and Friendship, we continue to address the third Stoic discipline, Assent (how to react to situations). The central core of the chapter is to show how a Stoic should interact with the influences of love and friendship. Remember that to a Stoic, character is key and anything that negatively influences character is to be avoided. In my second reading, there are two areas that I would like to highlight from the perspective of process improvement.
The first is there is a difference between what is natural and right. Several phrases send a shiver down my spine. “That is the way we have always done it here.” And the ever-popular, “This is how I was taught to do it.” You can substitute anything for “it” from answering the phone to writing a line of code. The basic assertion is that because it is the way things are done (and possibly always have been done) they are both natural and right. My mother intuitively saw the logical fallacy in always believing what is natural is right. Many times she asked if I would jump off a roof if my friends jumped — I never said yes, but… At times she was also making a point about peer pressure, which is related to what is natural and right. When I was following my friends I was not putting character ahead of fitting in with my friends. As change leaders, we need to evaluate the truth of what is right and then educate or lead others to a point where they can understand that natural does not directly equate to right.
Once we recognize that character is important we need to reinforce “theory” with practice. Pigliucci states “Simply recognizing the truth of something is not enough; we need to practice until it becomes instinctual.” Not only do we have to influence others but we need to walk the talk ourselves. As leaders, we are on the hook both collectively and individually to practice what we preach. It is way too easy to tell others what is right, expect them to do what we say, and then turn around and do what feels natural. The author provides a solution in the quote, “True philosophy is a matter of a little theory and a lot of practice.”
A third concept I would like to focus on is a more nuanced view of friendship. Who are our friends and the type of friends influence our character. The reverse is also true. My wife and I were discussing the use of the word ’friend’ recently. Her opinion is that I use the term more freely than I should so that the word has a stretched meaning. In Chapter 13, the author discusses the Aristotelian taxonomy of friendship (note: this is not part of the Stoic philosophy). Aristotle suggested that there were many levels of friendship. Several are based on reciprocal advantage (an early form of utility theory). One type of friendship is based on business utility. For example, the bartender at my favorite happy hour dinner spot in Lakewood, Ohio (Immigrant Son Brewery). We know her name, she recognizes us, we love the service, return often, and tip well. If we were to move or the restaurant closed, we would probably never connect again. This is similar to a type of friend in which the relationship is based on entertainment/fun. In both cases value is generated transactionally and when the transactions cease the parties go on their merry way. Take a look at the people you are linked to on LinkedIn. How many of those #1 links are more than just transactional friends? Could you act as a character witness for more than a few? To a stoic, our character and by extension the character of those around us is important. Friendship is preferred indifferent and can not trump character or it isn’t true character.
Catch on all of the entries in the re-read of How To Be A Stoic by Massimo Pigliucci (buy a copy and read along)
Week 1: Logistics and Opening Thoughts
Week 2: The Unstraightforward Path
Week 3: A Roadmap For The Journey
Week 4: Some Things Are In Our Power, Others Are Not
Week 5: Live According To Nature
Week 6: Playing Ball With Socrates
Week 7: God or Atoms?
Week 8: It’s All About Character
Week 9: A Very Crucial Word
Week 10: The Role of Role Models
Week 11: Disability And Mental Illness
Week 12: On Death And Suicide
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